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Started by #423718 [Ignore] 26,Feb,14 03:52
New Comment Rating: 5 Similar topics: 1.===== Joke Of The Day ===== 2.Anybody got a good joke! 3.small hands 4.Joke Central 5.It just a joke Comments: | ||
The wheelchair!
Paddy goes into Wetherspoons( pub chain uk)and asks a member of bar staff how much the cocktails are.
She said" £4 a glass and £10 for a pitcher
Paddy said "Why would I want my photo taken with a drinklol
Esther alway replied, "I know Morris , but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
One year Esther & Morris wnet to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance".
To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris & Esther agree & up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over & over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris & said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars😂
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A bloke went into hospital to have his appendix taken out. On the day of the operation, the chief surgeon was giving a lesson to a student surgeon who started to open the guy up when the scalpel slipped in her hand and accidentally chopped the bloke's balls off. "Oh dear," said the student surgeon, "what are we going to do? Can't let him walk around like that, he'll think he's deformed. "These things happen" said the chief surgeon but then the nurse chipped in and said: "Well sir, there'a jar of pickled onions in the cupboard, if we sow a couple on afterwards, he'll never know the difference." After the guy's appendix was taken out, the nurse reached in the jar and selected the two biggest pickled onions she could find and they were sown on just underneath the guy's dick and he was then wheeled back to the ward. Couple of days later, the surgeon was doing his rounds and went up to the bloke. "Good morning, Mr. Smith, how are you feeling now?" "Not too bad
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A bloke went into hospital to have his appendix taken out. On the day of the operation, the chief surgeon was giving a lesson to a student surgeon who started to open the guy up when the scalpel slipped in her hand and accidentally chopped the bloke's balls off. "Oh dear," said the student surgeon, "what are we going to do? Can't let him walk around like that, he'll think he's deformed. "These things happen" said the chief surgeon but then the nurse chipped in and said: "Well sir, there'a jar of pickled onions in the cupboard, if we sow a couple on afterwards, he'll never know the difference." So after the guy's appendix was taken out, the nurse reached in the jar and selected the two biggest pickled onions she could find and they were sown on just underneath the guy's dick and he was then wheeled back to the ward. Couple of days later, the surgeon was doing his rounds and went up to the bloke. "Good morning, Mr. Smith, how are you feeling now?" "Not too bad, thanks," said the bloke "but there's just one thing that's puzzling me." "What's that?" asked the surgeon. "Well," replied the bloke, "you know when your dick gets hard every time you see a sexy woman in nice tight clothing?" "Yes", replied the doctor. "Well," replied the bloke, "I get a hard-on every time I see a cheese sandwich."
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Don't know what went wrong there. Sorry.
That’s just simple thievery,the Irishman replies. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.
The Irishman proceeds to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner is intrigued, so he comes over to see the he Irishman asks him for a bun and then proceeds to eat it. He asks two more times, and after he has eaten both buns, the owner says “OK, my friend; where’s the magic trick,
The Irishman then says,Look in the Englishman’s pockets...
The barman looks at him and says, Hang on You're a duck.I see your eyes are working,replies the duck. And you can talk exclaims the barman. I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything
Sounds marvellous, says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.
I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck
Where is it
At the circus,says the barman.
The circus?" repeats the duck.
That's right, replies the barman.
The circus?" the duck asks again. “That place with the big tent,
Yeah," the barman replies.
With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
Of course,the barman replies.
And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says …..
What the f*** would they want with a plasterer
Thinking to keep a bit of spice in the nascent relationship, I said, “Just leave it blank.”
She got angry at that; her jaw tightened. “Sir,” she intoned, “We do NOT send out flowers without some sort of signature; not from THIS shop. I need at least your first name. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?”
Well, I could see I was defeated on that issue, so I said, “OK – my name is Anon.” (I made it rhyme with “cannon.”)
“Anon?” she repeated. “I’ve never heard of that name. How do you spell it?”
“A, N, O, N,” I told her. She gave me a slight nod of superiority and wrote it down.
My wife still has the card.
Must be too subtle....
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a mathematics teacher. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant Rugby coach. He is young, virile, and (like your secretary) 18 years old. As a successful businessman with a mathematical brain, you will understand that we are in the same situation, but with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!!
The first lady has a stroke, the second one had a stroke and fainted.
The third lady wouldn't touch it
Because they're always on Howliday.
Also because they eat all the doghnuts that Ted brings in.
Michael fits Patrick and
Patrick fits Michael
Because he was peddling
For loafing
You put the software in to the computer and
you put the hardware in to the human.
What do you call a mushroom with a 10" Penis ?
A fungi to be with.
Outside O’Connor’s Pub, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, “What are you doing?”
“Fishing,” replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gent, being a bit of a superior smart Alec, cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?”
“You’re the 8th”, replied the old man.
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She insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She said $165,000.
Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money.
The old lady said she made bets.
The president, quite surprised, asked: “What kind of bets?”
The old lady said: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”.
The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win.
The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?”
“Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”.
The old lady then said to him:
“Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10am with my lawyer as a witness, if that’s ok with you”.
“No problem” said the president.
That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet.
On the next day, 10am sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the president's office.
The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything.
The old lady came closer and said that given the amount money involved, she needed to touch them to be completely certain. The president agreed and the old lady, smiling, started examining his testicles.
At that point the president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall.
“What's his problem?”, he asked the old lady.
To which she answered: “I bet him $100,000 that at around 10am today I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of America in my hand.”
The other end is stuck in Da Pudd'ins zipper.
Christopher Walken
How do you get 3 gay men off of your couch?
Jerk one off and the other 2 will cum!
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