I keep hearing a duck quacking behind me. BUt when I turn around, there´s no duck! Just a nasty smell!

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?

A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"

I was checking out various international news sites when I saw this story from Poland. Apparently a single engine, two seater Cessna crashed. The newsreader repoted that the plane crashed in a cemetery. As of reporting, rescue workers recovered 125 bodies and they expect to recover more.

My sexy Chinese neighbour,said she desperately needs a roger
I only realized when I had my cock out,she meant renting out who spareroom 😂

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "State-of-the-art watch? What is so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically," Bond explains. "So what's it telling you now?" says the woman. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties," Bond replies. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."

She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."

She stops him and informs him there’s more, then leads him into the bedroom where she proceeds to give him the best sex he’s ever had—every position he can think of until he’s about ready to pass out. Finally, they finish and he says, "Thank you ma’am, this was amazing, but I really should finish my route."

She stops him and says, "I have one more thing for you," and then reaches over to the nightstand, pulls out a crisp $5 bill, and hands it to him. Confused, the mailman says, "Ma’am, the breakfast was amazing, the sex was mind-blowing, but what is up with the five dollars?"

The lady responds, "Well, my husband and I were watching TV last night when I said, 'Hey, tomorrow is the mailman’s last day, think we should do something?' And he said, 'Fuck ’em. Give him 5 bucks.' But breakfast was my idea!”

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.

He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

Sister Bridgette, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a pub in Tralee. The place was quite lively with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom
The bartender replied, “Of course Sister, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.
Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,said the good Sister.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the pub. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?
Well, now they know you're one of us,said the bartender, “Would you like a drink,No thank you, but, I still don't understand,said the puzzled nun.
You see, laughed the bartender,every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, "I want to be President one day."

Trump says, "Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?"

The kid replies, "You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements."

Superman flew over Paradise Island and saw
Wonderwoman on a hill top; she was lying on her back
and her legs were spread wide apart...

He flew in for a closer look, and noticed her
pussy lips were expanding and contracting while
her tits were bouncing... as if On Their Own!

Superman felt aroused. He thought to himself,
"I'll fly down there and fuck her at Super speed,
and then I'll fly away before she knows what hit her!"

And THAT, he Did...

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

...and he immediately flew away.

Dazed and bewildered, Womanwoman looked around
and asked "What the fuck was That?!"

the Invisible Man got up and said,
"I don't know. But my ass HURTS like a Motherfucker!!!"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor." "Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

Lil Red Riding Hood got ready and was leaving her mother's house. Her mom said... ''Now remember Lil Red Riding Hood..the big bad wolf is out there and you know what he will do to you. He will pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood pulled out her shot gun..''Dont worry mom..I got it covered.''

So she got her basket that was filled with jellies and rolls and headed to her Grandmaw's house. Along the way she ran into a rabbit...he asked, ''Where are you going Lil Red Riding Hood?''

She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies.''

The rabbit said, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, you better be careful..the big bad wolf is out there and you know what he will do to you. He will pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood held up her shot gun, ''Dont worry Mr Rabbit... I got it covered.'' So she went on her way.

Soon the big bad wolf jumped out in front of her and asked, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, where are you going?''

She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies.''

He said, ''You should not be out here..you know what I am going to do to you. I am going to pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood jerked up her lil red dress... pulled down her lil red panties and lay down on the ground. She pointed the shot gun at him and said, ''Oh no you're not... You're going to eat me like the book says !!!''

Bloke went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Hello mate, not seen you for a long while."
"No," replied the bloke, "I've been ill."

Liz Truss, Rishi Sunak, Jeremy Cunt (oops! Hunt, sorry for typing error) etc.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

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Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

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What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

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Q. What would you see if you had a ten Inch dick growing out of your forehead?
A. Nothing, your balls are in the way.

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why do people love to eat refined beans so much?
Because they love to take bubble baths.

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Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”

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A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

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An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

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What's better than eating a mandarin.?
Eating Amanda out.

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What's the difference between an ugly woman and a beautiful one?
Two stiff drinks.

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Did you know there were gay bars in the wild west?
Well, the bar doors swun both ways!

Patient says to the doctor:
"I always gag when brushing my teeth and tounge, but never when I give my boyfreind head. Whats the problem?"
Doctor replies:
"Obviously your toohbrush is larger !"

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleeep with a light on.

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Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

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How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

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Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

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Sex is like math. Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!

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Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back !!!

The pussy slit said to the vulva: Your friend with the big purple head must be ill because every time he keeps sticking his head in here he throughs up.

Little Johnny and his mother was going to grandpas' farm for the weekendsince the dad was away on a weekend buissnes and wouldn't be home until Sunday afternoon. Little Johnny was looking out the back window of the car at a stop sign and sees two rabbits going at it, he yells, "Mom, mom, what are those two rabbits doing? The mom already seen the rabbits and had hoped that little Johnny wouldn't see them. The Mom got flustered and blurted the first PG rated thing that came into her head, "they are having a fish fry Johnny." Little Johnny started laughing and said, "oh, that's what you call it." The mom cracked a grin thinking she just averted the birds and the bees talk. 20 or so minutes go by and Johnny spots 2 horses going at it and yells, "mom, those two horses are having a fish fry." The mom cracked a grin and said, "that's correct, they are having a fish fry." After the long weekend stay in the country they returned home Sunday at noon. At 9:00 pm Johnny's mom and dad tucked him in and wished him sweet dreams. The dad chased the mom back to their room and locked the door. The mom was already naked on the bed before he could blink. They fucked for about a hour, until he filled her pussy with a massive cream pie. After all the panting and hard breathing subsided, the mom heard Johnny playing the video game down stairs. She quickly wiped her crotch and put on a short robe, and flew down the stairs. She yelled, "what on earth are you doing out of bed. You have school tomorrow!" Johnny looked up at his mother and said, "you and dad were making to much noise at the fish fry to s-l-e-e-p." The mom yelled, "why would you even think that we would be having a fish fry Johnny?" Johnny smiled and said, "mom I'm not stupid, but correct me if I'm wrong, but you still have tartar sauce running down your leg."

Due to the cost of living crisis and massive tax rises, my wife and I have decided not to have kids. So we're kicking them out tomorrow.

What's the difference between a pussy and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out!

Why will you never starve in the desert? Because of the sand-which-is there

my friend's dog ate a bunch of scrabble tiles, he took it to the vet, no word yet

Q. Why did the hippie not believe in the Mississippi?
A. Hippies don´t marry

Q. What would I see if I had a ten ich dick growing out of my forehead?
A. Nothing, the balls would block my view

There are 3 unwritten laws of life:
1.
2.
3.

Did you know that Paul Walker had dandruff?

I didn't either until I saw his head and shoulders in the glove compartment

How do you know which Sicilian girl is still a virgin? The one who can run faster than all her brothers.

My girlfriend told me I had a model penis. I thought that was great until I looked it up and it said "a smaller replica of the real thing."

What do you call the black guy who's flying the plane?

The pilot, you fuckin racist.

What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord ?

How do you get 4 gay guys on a bar stool? Turn it upside down!!!! LOL

whats better than a dozen roses on a piano

answer tulips (two lips)on an organ

Liz Truss