A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.Actually, no” the man replies Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him, she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
I’m afraid I can’t, breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message, she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
Ah..what should I tell him?” the bartender manages to squeak.
Tell him, she whispers there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

What do you call a Mexican chic with really short legs?
(Consuelo)

When the missus said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees,I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face..

Two old woman meet for a coffee, one lady says to the other,did you come on the bus the other replies yes, but i made it look like an asthma attack..

A irish man and his son went to the ****, a sign says feed the elephant a bun to get your age The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stamps it's foot 6 times.wow" says the boy that's right i am 6, you have a go dad, The irish dad gives the elephant a bun, A moment later the elephant farts and stamps twice,be jesus that's right" said the father.i am farty two..

KARMA" Sutra position no. 54.The Pirate.

When giving it doggy style,spit on her back,so she (or he for some of you) thinks you've cum,
When she turns around blast her in the face.
Known as The Pirate because she'll put 1 hand over her eye,
and shout AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH.

A man from Texas, a man from California, and a man from Oregon are all sitting around a campfire. The Texan takes a flask from his pocket, uncorks it, takes one swig, and then hurls the flask high into the air. He takes his six-shooter out, aims, and BLAM! glass shards and whiskey are coming down.

“Why’d you do that?” the other men want to know.

“We have a LOT of whiskey in Texas,” he explains.

Not to be outdone, the Californian removes a wine bottle from his pocket, uncorks it, takes a sip, and then hurls the rest of the bottle into the air. He takes his six-shooter out, and BLAM! glass shards and wine are coming down.

“We have a LOT of wine in California,” he says.

Without saying a word, the Oregonian takes out his gun and shoots the Californian.

One day I was jogging through a park when this really old guy came whizzing past me. I was impressed so I caught up to him and said, “Hey there. You’re running along pretty good there, Sir! Mind if I ask how old you are?”
The old guy said proudly as we ran along, “80! I’m 80 years old and here’s nothing I can’t do now that I couldn’t do when I was your age! Nothing at all! How ’bout that?”
I told him how amazing that was and how much I admired him but, being me, I asked him if I might ask him a personal question. Eye personal.
He said he was OK with that so I asked him if he still had an active sex life.
He told me, “Yup! I have sex almost every day! Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday…

A fourth grade teacher thought she’d generate more interest and curiosity from her students by trying a new thing. She announced that she was going to ask them a difficult question each Thursday and if anyone got it right they’d get Friday off from school! Now she knew she couldn’t just excuse a kid from a school day so she had to be sure the kids wouldn’t be able to answer the question. The following Thursday she said, “OK, Children. Can anyone tell me what my husband does for a living?” Of course no one knew that. The following Thursday she asked the class, “Can anyone tell me what my maiden name was?” Of course no one knew that either. One especially clever kid, Danny, saw what she was doing and got an idea. He asked his mother if she’d pick up a can of racquet balls for their dog to play with. He then took two of them, spray painted them black, and snuck them into class the next Thursday. Just when it looked like the teacher was ready to ask that week’s question, Danny rolled the balls down the floor right up to her. “OK!” she said crossly. “Who’s the comic with the black balls?!?” “Eddie Murphy, Teach! See ya Monday!”

People who rite on shit-house walls , roll there shit into little balls. People who read these lines of wit , eat these little balls of shit. From Yellow Stone National Park bathroom wall year 1976.

When I returned from a business trip, I discovered that my wife of 35 years had gone into our safe. For years I’d insisted that she never open the safe. But she did it anyway.
She said, “There was 3 eggs in it and $40,000. Where did they come from?”
I told her, “For 35 years, whenever I found a woman who was worth fucking, I’d put an egg in the safe.”
She says, “That’s not so bad, 3 women in 35 years. I can live with that!”
I told her, “Whenever I got a dozen eggs, I’d sell them and put the money in the safe. That’s where the $40,000 came from!”

My missus has been having a go at me lately, saying I’ve become obsessed with becoming a detective and not spending time with her.

This morning she said “I think we should split up”

I said “good idea we’ll cover more ground that way

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.
But, it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 🤪🤪🤪

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then, it hit me 🤬🤬🤬

So it seems two guys were in a bar. One guy says to the other "I've got something to show you". He heads out to his car and comes back in carrying a box. He opens the box and takes out a tiny piano and bench. All of a sudden a little foot tall guy jumps out and starts playing the piano. The other guy says "What in the world! How did you get that"? He said " Well, I was rumaging through a pile of junk and found an old oil lamp. I started rubbing it to see if it would clean up and poof, there was a genie standing there! He offered me one wish for freeing him." The other guy said "Well that's great, but why did you wish for that? His friend said "See that's the trouble, I didn't. The genie misunderstood me and thought I'd wished for a twelve inch pianist"! 😉

Here's a good one


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@Degraff@

If a couple from Kentucky, got married in Kentucky and moved to Ohio, would they still be brother and sister!

I was reading a book about helium. I couldn't put it down.

Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana

A Frank Sinatra impersonator has had to cancel all his engagements for the foreseeable future. He's just been diagnosed with croonervirus.

What do frogs have for lunch? An order of Flies and a Diet Crook.

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Thanks to Jseagull0403

These are not original:

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher jumped out at them. Two of the ladies had a stroke, the third couldn't reach.

I got my sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what they are laced with, but I've been tripping all day...

I may have to move. Every morning my 90 year old neighbour knocks on my door and asks, “Have you seen my wife?”
It’s kind of annoying, sometimes I’m still in bed when he knocks.
However, the smile on his face is so gratifying when I tell him, “Your wife passed away 20 years ago!”

What kind of band does not play music ? A band of Criminal's.

Whats the difference between a crack dealer and a crack hoer. the crack hoer can wash her crack

From my shits and giggles blog,//// THE CANDY BAR JOKE 😄😄😄 One day MR.Goodbar wanted a Bit-of-Honey so he took MS.Hershey behind the Power House on 5th Avenue were he began to fill her Mounds which were Almond Joy.She let out a Snicker as his Big Hunk slid up here Milky Way.The results were a Baby Ruth.

Lake sign, “Frog parking only. All others will be toad!”

Orange don was defeated by election
Then invited a failed insurrection

Then Melania grinned
Said I wont sleep with him

Cuz hes got a tiny limp erection !

I like to show off my anatomy
Without any ounce of fat on me,
But don't tell my mum
That I have a big bum,
Beware if you ever do rat on me.

* * * *

I just made that up.

Bloke went to a restaurant and the waitress said: "we've got whalemeat curry, whalemeat stew, whalemeat fry up and a Vera Lynn."
"What's a Vera Lynn?" asked the bloke.
"Whalemeat again," replied the waitress.

A man bumps into a friend in the pub and tells him, “You don't believe it, I have a nympho waiting in my car in the parking lot. Only she demolishes me, I am exhausted. I have to catch my breath. Can't you go to the car and keep her busy for a while? The interior lighting is broken, so she will not notice that you are not me.” His friend agrees and walks to the car. He gets in and they immediately start to fuck in the backseat. A few minutes later, a policeman sees them going at it and starts tapping the window annoyingly and shining his flashlight in. “What are we doing here?” Asks the officer. "Nothing to worry about, officer, it's my wife." "Oh sorry, I didn't know sir." "It's okay, neither did I, until you shined in with your flashlight."

How do you recycle a condom?
Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.