*A Joke From The Back Pages Of Forum*

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

I have been on dozens of larks;
I like it indoors, not in parks.
You feel more at ease,
Your ass doesn't freeze;
And strollers don't make snide remarks.

A man is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "si.ster, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.


"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.


Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to the cemetery every night at 9 to pray, and if he dresses up and convinces her he's God, she might have sex with him.


That night at 9, the man is in the cemetery hiding behind a gravestone. When the nun approaches in the darkness he jumps out and says "si.ster, I am God and I command you to have sex with me." She replies "Well I mustn't deny God. However I want to remain a virgin so I will only take it up the ass."


The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.


After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise, I'm the guy on the bus"


With that the nun turns around and says


"Surprise, I'm the bus driver."

I decided to go to the local Pow-Wow at the Beaver Lake Reserve for the first time to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Chief came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
"By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator, you will walk today."
I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but I did have a small bunion on my left foot.
He came back and laid his hands on me again and, looking skywards he earnestly repeated his mantra: "By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator, you will walk today."
Once again, I told him there really was nothing wrong with me. After prayers I stepped outside.
And sure as hell, my truck was gone !!!

Q: What's the best way to a man's heart?

A: With good stroke.

[deleted image]
nice one ICU *lix*

The Cat In The Hat On Aging
I cannot see, I cannot pee
I cannot chew, I cannot screw
Oh my god, what can l do?
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks
No sense of smell, I look like hell
My mood is bad, can you tell?
My body's drooping, Have trouble pooping
The golden years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my Arse!!

*lix*

'Mummy Mummy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddys stomach last night?'
"I have to do that or Daddys belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny"
'Well thats not going to work'
"Why not darling?"
'Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again'
*lix*

[deleted image]
one from shyguys page, he has some great memes *lix*

[deleted image]
*lix*

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

When a women wears a bikini she exposes 90% of her body. But most men have enough respect to only stair at the clothed bits..

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

A cow boy an American Indian and a Australian are sitting in a bar the Indian says once we were many now we are few the Australian said once we were few now we are many and the cowboy replies that's because we haven't played Cowboys and Australians yet

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Two elderly women, Mary and Susan, were sitting outside their nursing home, enjoying a coffee and a cigarette. They were having a great time talking when suddenly, it started to pour rain. It was absolutely pissing down, and one of the ladies calmly pulled a condom out of her purse, cut the end off and slipped it on her cigarette, then continued smoking without a care in the world. The other looked at her in surprise with her soggy cigarette and asked .. 'whats that? '
Mary replied, 'its a condom of course'.
Susan exclamined, 'thats ingenious, but where did you get it? '
Mary replied, 'you can get them at any pharmacy these days'
The next day, Susan hobbled into the local pharmacy, parked her walker at the checkout and started looking for the condoms, but couldnt find them. The sales assistant came over and asked her what she was looking for, she said 'l want a packet of condoms please..'
The assistant said 'is there any particular brand youre after mam? '
Susan shrugged and replied, 'doesnt matter what brand. so long as it fits a camel thanks'
*lix*

Ok...

What does an elderly woman have that the new Fast & The Furious movie doesn't?...


A walker!
--------------------------------------- added after 81 seconds

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?


Christopher Walken!


Muhahahahahahahahaha!
Terrible...

A bus full of ugly people met after an accident, all of them died.
Before entering heaven, they each got a wish. The first said 'make me beautiful' and it happened. The rest followed with the same wish. When it came to the last person he was laughing. The voice asked him 'why are you laughing? and what is your wish?'
The last person answered, 'make them all ugly again' lol,
once an arsehole, always an arsehole
*lix*

only registered users can see external links
*lix*
--------------------------------------- added after 7811 hours

A police officer came to my house and asked me where l was between 5 and 6.
He seemed irritated when l answered 'Kindergarten!'
(someone so kindly had the link deleted. *lix*)

Why start a new thread when members have 8 pages and 363 entries on this one?

/forum/thread.php?id=22514#364