Two elderly spinster twin sisters hired a male stripper for their birthday.  When he was finally naked, one of the old ladies had a stroke.  The other couldn't reach.
I came home the other night and my wife was looking at an advert for the world's most expensive fur coat.   She said: "I've gotta have that".  So I cut the advert out and gave it to her.
My wife has run off with the lodger and I don't half miss him.
I suggested to my mother-in-law she goes for a walk across the Pennines on Christmas Day.   The search parties have got the day off.
 
 