Wife, “were all going to the beach today, so why the cold sweat?”
Me, “I have a feat of tsunamis”
Wife, “oh you have never mentioned it, how bad is it?”
Me, “Well it comes in waves!”
Me, ‘I once had to work long shifts at a pizza house, to make ends meet’
Mate, ‘money drives the devil, was you delivering?’
Me, ‘Yes and yes, I kneaded the dough’
Mate, “Whats up with you?”
Me, “Wife asked me to pass her some lip balm and I gave her some glue by accident”
Mate, “You’re an idiot but she will get over it”
Me, “Well it’s been a week and she’s still not talking to me!”
Me, “Did you know I played the drums as a kid?”
Wife, “No I didn’t”
Me, “I did think about taking it up again but decided not to”
Wife, “well if you do there will be repercussions!”
Mate, “fancy a game of cards?”
Me, “yes but the cards all seem stuck together”
Mate, “Is it going to cause a problem?”
Me, “it’s making them hard to deal with!”
Me, “looks like we’re in for a spell of really bad weather”
Mate, “like what?”
Me, “ the forecast is, rane, hale, drissle, thundre, litnin, and frizzing culd!”
Me, “How do crows stick together in a flock?”
Mate, “Oh no another pun, go on tell me”
Me, “Velcro”
Mate, “I can do better than that!”
Me, “Well Toucan play at that game!”
NEWS FLASH: A prison bus and a cement truck have collided. The prisoners have escaped and the public is warned to be on the look out for seventeen hardened criminals!
Rishi Sunak got into a fight outside the Houses of Parliament. His injuries are not life-threatenting but he now has a badly disfigured face with the eyes to the left and the nose to the right.
Mate, “the bloke over their recons his mate can throw a ball for his dog so far it takes the dog 15minuets to come back”.
Me, “Sounds a bit farfetched to me”.
Two guys playing golf.
First guy looking ahead at the two ladies playing in front: Oh my God, it´s my wife and my mistress!
Second guy looks and says: Oh no, mine too!
Mate, ‘why do you care, you don’t live here?’
Me, ‘I have my raisins’
Mate, ‘Oh my please no more’
Me, ‘Well perhaps Four Tops!’
Me, “I have a feat of tsunamis”
Wife, “oh you have never mentioned it, how bad is it?”
Me, “Well it comes in waves!”
Mate, ‘what is wrong with it?’
Me, ‘It’s just bad on so many levels!’
Mate, ‘money drives the devil, was you delivering?’
Me, ‘Yes and yes, I kneaded the dough’
The reception was amazing!
Mate, ‘Oh why was that?’
Me, ‘I was told not to dwell on the past!’
Me, ‘I sing my best when I am really happy or very sad’
Mate, ‘why is that?’
Me, ‘I’m in-tune with my feelings!’
Me, ‘How dairy!’
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays
Mate, “Was you any good?”
Me, “Well I held the position for a long time!”
Me, “Wife asked me to pass her some lip balm and I gave her some glue by accident”
Mate, “You’re an idiot but she will get over it”
Me, “Well it’s been a week and she’s still not talking to me!”
Wife, “No I didn’t”
Me, “I did think about taking it up again but decided not to”
Wife, “well if you do there will be repercussions!”
Me, “yes but the cards all seem stuck together”
Mate, “Is it going to cause a problem?”
Me, “it’s making them hard to deal with!”
Mate, “why on earth not?”
Me, “because they make up everything!”
Mate, “whats up with them?”
Me, “I am constantly tripping!”
Mate, “yes, said to the hairdresser to make me look sexy”
Me, “How much did she need to drink?”
As to how it got there, police say at the moment there is no concrete evidence.
Me, “I don’t like movies with sub titles”.
Me, “new shoes”
Mate, “so whats wrong?”
Me, “I think one is . . . not right!”
Me 'Why"
Friend 'It's days are numbered"!
Mate, “like what?”
Me, “ the forecast is, rane, hale, drissle, thundre, litnin, and frizzing culd!”
Mate, “however did you manage to stop?”
Me, “I turned my self around!”
Mate, “Oh no another pun, go on tell me”
Me, “Velcro”
Mate, “I can do better than that!”
Me, “Well Toucan play at that game!”
Me, “Sounds a bit farfetched to me”.
"'ello, 'ello, 'ello."
It's like telling an American you're walking on the pavement when there's a lot of traffic.
They'll think you're crazy.
Police say they are looking into it.
A low-down bum.
Mate, “I bet that made you mad”
Me, “What do you think I’m de-lighted!”
I don’t know, what?
A Crossaunt!
Mate, “ Dough-know!!”
Me, “HaHa, no it’s the delivery!”
"Grilled Cheese Sandwhich: $7.50"
and
"Handjob: $40"
The man goes over to the bar, and asks the bartender: "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
The bartender nods and bites her lip seductively.
The man says: "Then wash your hands, bitch, cause I want a grilled cheese sandwich."
There has been no reports of congestion for 8 hours!
First guy looking ahead at the two ladies playing in front: Oh my God, it´s my wife and my mistress!
Second guy looks and says: Oh no, mine too!
Me, “why not join me here in the corner”
Mate, “why will that help?” Me, "yes because it’s 90 degrees”
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