Life in Pennsylvania – Coping Toilet Paper shortages

At the height of the Covid epidemic The stress of being cooped up in my house had not taken a huge toll on me since my regular routine is determined by my agoraphobia. Getting groceries had not been a problem nor the gathering of toilet paper been an issue. The stores left cute little notes on their shelves advising customers that some popular items that interest the public are limited to one per client. Quite honestly, I can’t imagine anyone needing more than a roll of T.P. per week per person; not that I’ve actually measured my own use. It’s not that I’m terminally constipated (a real advantage in a time of T.P. shortages) it’s just that I haven’t noticed an unusual demand for this commodity in my house.

During the Covid epidemic the stock market took quite a dip, but I saw some real opportunities in toilet paper futures. What I didn't know were the ticker names for the companies who made the stuff. Accordingly, I thought there was real potential to make a killing in the stock market.

I’m sure that until now, T.P. companies have not enjoyed the celebrity that Covid 19 had brought them. I wonder if I had actually bought some shares would the stock certificate be printed on their product? If that was the case, one could literally use the shares to clean their bottom if the value tanked.

But what happens when this malady abates? What then? Considering that it was an election year these companies could have placed a picture of various politicians (not a new idea) on their product so the user could clean his or her tush with the smiling face of some pompous arrogant candidate or incumbent. It certainly would have the effect of bolstering the company’s value.

Toilet paper, in one form or another, has been around for centuries as far back as Six CE. but has not been in the layered ply’s we now enjoy. Northern announced in the 1930’s that their toilet paper was splinter free which suggests that prior to that one had to clean their bottoms with caution or risk impaling themselves with little bits of wood. No wonder that every well-equipped out house had a Sears Catalog in it. I don’t recall stories of anyone getting hurt wiping their inner nether region with the pages devoted to ladies’ intimate apparel.


Why is it that during a national crisis people run to their favorite supermarket to buy T.P. first and then a pot roast? Where does this obsession with this material come from? Why is it the first thing on the people’s collective mind? I think the answer is in the word “Shit” that has insinuated itself in our everyday communications. Expressions like:
Bullshit, horseshit, That’s shitty, shit head, shit for brains, are among the expletives that are common in todays lexicon.

Tom Lehrer once wrote “Life is like a sewer. You only get out of it what you put into it”. So, it follows that people’s food choices may influence the amount of toilet paper needed during a crisis. During my research on this piece I discovered that spicy seasonings, artificial sweeteners, milk (for the lactose intolerant), and coffee are likely to produce a less than desirable potty outcome needing “scads” of that precious commodity. Should one or all of the family experience such distress it’s likely that their supply of toilet paper will be depleted demanding an alternative material. Very old editions of the North African Time magazine, I’m told, were printed on tissue like paper as were old editions of Sears catalog, or anything else that may not irritate your “bum”. For the latter there are copious amounts of information on the frightening array of materials used for cleaning oneself.
In closing nothing said in this essay is suggesting that you should use this story in printed form as butt wipe.

This is Verne writing to you from Warminster Pennsylvania, a great place to practice social distancing.